Running: A South Asian Survival Guide To Dating

So it took you several years, but now you’ve found that special someone and you like each other oh so much. Problem is, you’re South Asian! You are now discovering it’s not as simple as shown in Bollywood movies; there is no running around in your beach wear on Grouse Mountain, no singing songs, no lights, no glamour. What we do have though is the ‘evil parents’ who are trying to keep you and your significant other apart. Realistically, in South-Asian culture, dating is considered taboo, along with wearing clothes with color, and you know, high heels. But dating itself is a definite no-no; the whole idea of pre-marital relationships will strike apprehension in both the male and the female’s parents. The easiest way is to simply be upfront, “Hey mom, so this is my…girlfriend.” Scary,huh? Well it should be! The easiest way is, clearly, the same way that will get you beat. Honesty isn’t discouraged, but why not keep it concealed until you and your partner feel confident about your affinity for one another? You want to know your partner well before you can express your desire to marry them to your parents. The catch is that you have to get to know them behind the scenes. After extensive years of research and observations, our experts have compiled various tips and tricks to keeping a relationship under wraps, so here’s the guide.

Lesson number 1: Locations!

Picking an appropriate location where going out is key in staying out of sight, and more importantly, off the next flight to India. Keep clear of public places and social gatherings, as they are flourishing with people who could identify you. Naturally, you’ll be easily related to 300 people just in the same city, times that by two for your partner’s relatives. Carry the one, take the square root…..so hundreds of potential relatives just allocated around town can be a liability to you. Avoid places like Superstore, Fruiticana, and the mall. South Asians are dynamic people, there’s never a time where they don’t need milk, sabji’s, or clothes. If you’re one of those people who likes long romantic walks- don’t anymore. Visibly strolling the street is a definite hazard, especially on main roads, and I’m not talking about the cars that could run you over. Pick the right location and the right time.

Lesson number 2: LOL

MSN, the first romantic spot you and your honey met! Regardless if that’s true or not, this is definitely a lesson to follow. If you’re one of those chatters who can talk for hours and hours, this flaw of yours could be your demise. Talking on chat programs or even on the phone will absolutely raise red-flags for your parents. Ironically, parents aren’t that stupid, even they know that MSN is just an acronym for Meeting-Single-Nerds. Ease up on those flashing kisses, those dancing flowers, and those display pictures that have a heart around your playmate; they all stick out like a sore thumb. “Oh, I’m just doing homework.” You may think you can fool your parents with that, but they know better. In addition, your own paranoia can give yourself away. In the event somebody does happen to walk in, don’t start frantically flopping the mouse around in attempt to close your precious conversations. Calmly open up a web page of Google, type in “sabji”, and be like, “Hey mom, I found a new recipe for you.” While this is all happening, exit MSN to get rid of those flashing orange bars. For absolute emergencies, (ie. your ‘Romeo’ is dancing on web cam) hit the re-set button, so it looks like your just restarting your computer after a crash. Chatting for hours and hours on the phone is just as revealing. Dads are veterans at this, when they hear you lower your voice, consequently, they will raise their hand. Communication is important, but shutting up is too.

Lesson Number 3: Star Six Seven

Being able to cover your tracks is an essential element in maintaining secrecy. If you’re living with your parents, they most likely fund your bare necessities, such as your cell phone. If so, keep in mind that they do have the capability of accessing your phone record every month with the bill. *67 – before you dial, or make sure he/she does before they dial. Blocking calls to a phone is a preventive way that impedes your parents from simply dialing that number which has called you 146 times in the same week. With incoming calls to your house phone, delete all received calls from your nagging partner, I mean lover. Now, if you are one of those ‘frisky individuals,’ take the time to examine yourself after your play-date. “Love Bites” are not easy to explain, especially in winter when there are no mosquitoes around. Don’t blame it on insects, it seldom works. Maybe it’s Maybeline? Whatever it is, use it and slap it on to cover any activity of foul play.

Lesson Number 4: Fat Joe

The physical ability to be evasive is an excellent trait to possess. Get used to your physical environment, become adapted and aware of your surroundings, but by all means don’t get comfortable! You want to be able to physically ‘hide’ yourself, or at least prevent a visual glimpse of yourself; anything to avoid raising doubt and questions like, “Was that really Jeeto?…with a mundah?..no0o it could not be posseeble!” Become affiliated with your partner’s car, especially when you’re the passenger. Learn where the seat adjustment handles are and how they work because when you see somebody familiar, pull a Fat Joe and “Lean Back.” You can immediately throw the seat back, lie down, and be out of sight. In the event you do get seen, immediately turn around and walk, run, drive, gallop, simply get away, then get home as fast as you can so if that relative of yours does say, “Oh we saw Preeto at K-Mart today with some boy,” your parents can be your own alibi and claim, “But she was at home at that time, making roti.” Main thing is, be always on your toes, because the alternative will keep you off your toes for quite some time.

Lesson Number 5: Ohh S#%*7!

Your eyes widen, your face reddens, you begin to have hot flashes, your stomach turns, and you start to have mixed emotions. NO, you’re not pregnant! But somebody familiar has just seen you. You have two definite options, pretend they didn’t see you and walk away, but risk them calling your parents, or approach them and make the most absurd relation with you and your mate. The latter can leave your relative baffled but at the same time assured. Firstly, upon noticing your relative, take a deep breath, or like ten. Analyze the situation; a good rule of thumb is if the relative is from a particular side, such as your mother, your sweetheart is related to the opposite side, obviously your father. Casually approach your relative and in the most respectful voice you can produce, greet them and wait for your buddy to follow. Then begin your introduction, “So this is Gary, he is my mom’s, aunt’s, daughter’s, sister’s, second cousin’s son. He and his sister came from California and I’m just showing them around.” Pause, look worried, and look at him, “Hey, where IS your sister?” Announce that you’re going to find her, say your byes, and leave the building. If you’re thinking, but his actually name isn’t Gary and he doesn’t even have a sister? No really, I could have told you that.

Lesson Number 6: Tear-a-ways.

The art of consistency is an important attribute in this war of attrition between you and ‘them.’ Being consistent in both demeanor and physical appearance paints the image that nothing has changed in your parents minds. For guys, if you have been wearing your array of baggy jeans, sports jerseys, and your 350 dollar white sneakers for five years straight, you got to stick with that apparel. All of a sudden shopping at Holt Renfrew for turtle necks and dress pants raises a whole compendium of problems. Just stick with what you have, hopefully you have a good personality, if not….come on, I don’t have all the answers. For girls, it is a tad bit different. Typically, females will wear both dressy clothes and the typical casual, but only based on the type of event they are attending. When Prince Charming comes into the picture they often make the mistake of dressing up for him, but at the wrong time. Make sure your excuse matches your attire; don’t say you are going to class wearing a skirt and heels, when on a typical day you wear track pants and your dad’s sweater. If you must dress up, throw on your three-quarters and then tear-a-ways, your low-cut blouse with a zip-up, then go check the mirror and make sure no loose-ends are showing. Make-up? Forget it; you can do that on the go. If that’s not your style, throw your clothes in a Superstore bag and go change later in a public washroom. Okay, now here is the important part, arrive home the way you left. Last thing you want is to look like is some homeless person stole your clothes and gave you theirs.

Lesson Number 7: Big Brother

A watchful eye on the ‘enemies’ is a crucial element in maintaining absolute secrecy on your love scandal. Never underestimate mummy and daddy. As you’re reading this, they are probably reading “Jailing: The South-Asian Dating Prevention Guide” (in Indi-Senior edition). So you have to be one step ahead of them. It is conducive to your relationship that you be aware, alert, and a-class (whatever that means). Know where your parents are and how long they are going to be there for. Keep in mind though, when they say one hour you can add more time. Let’s not forget they are South-Asian. If your mother says she is going shopping for suits, it is recommended that you two stay indoors; shopping for suits could be anywhere from Surrey to Vancouver, and everything in between. Dads are not as mobile, but very unpredictable. Simply call your house often and ask random questions and make arbitrary statements, “So there’s like an accident, nobody’s heading that way are they? Dad you’re not going to be traveling on that road today perhaps, or on any road?” Maybe something a little less obvious, though. Don’t keep an eye on them make sure you use both.

Lesson Number 8: Keeping it together.

At the end of the day, if you really like your partner you will never take anything for granted. The last thing you want to do is get caught and jeopardize the integrity of him/her and his/her family. It is not worth being caught and having everything fall apart on you just for a couple hours of going out; not spending time for one day might pay off by issuing you a lifetime with that special individual in the long run. Be logical and evaluate the benefit and cost of each moment spent. If your partner is careless about being caught and seen, you may want to question his/her motives for being with you. Like I said before, there’s always the easy way, if you so choose, but let me remind you that, during the fall, airlines have cheaper rates to India.